Love Letters

I found it difficult to post yesterday’s blog. But I am finding it even harder to respond to your kind comments.

I really posted to blow off some steam. I’ve been frequenting some “cancer support” type sites, and became increasingly frustrated by all of the uplifting hearts and flowers and ribbons. I couldn’t find anyone who said THIS FUCKING SUCKS!  I appreciate that some people need adorable quotes and Ziggy cartoons to fill their hearts in times of hardship. But those just feel like platitudes to me. They irritate me instead of inspiring me. And I felt like I was the only one in all the land who felt like this.

But you guys, you don’t irritate me at all. And I don’t feel so lonely today.

Your sincere words, even if they only said, “I don’t know what to say, but I care,” meant more to me than any platitude. Your hugs and kind comments prompted me to make my own inspiration of a sort:

Some little love letters. From me.

Dear Spring, thank you for showing up early this year. My freckles adore you. I want to cover you with The Beatles.

Dear Blog Commenters, thank you for taking time to hug me with your words. I feel you beside me, and I appreciate it more than I’m able to say.

Dear Niece’s Trombone, I love your balls-to-the-wall sound. Keep distracting my niece and giving her something to enjoy. Just keep it down when my sister is sleeping.

Dear Twitter Peoples, there’s no counting the smiles you give me. I may not be posting as much, but I’m reading and I love your unabashed snark. Don’t go anywhere.

Dear Thin Mints, I cannot quit you.

Dear Bunneh, your hand in mine keeps me from going under. No pressure. I adore you.

Dear Daughters, thank you for your courage, grace and humor. I couldn’t be more proud of you.

Dearest Buttercups in my yard, you’ve bloomed far too early. Please stay strong when it frosts. I cannot protect you.

I love the angle of the sun this time of year in the morning. I love the feeling I get when I log in and see that name on my screen. I look forward to the peaceful moments when everyone is sleeping, and I treasure every one of them. I adore the little hedgehog that licks the salt off my hand. I love the way my sister’s fingers trace the arms of her chair. I am smitten with the opossum who lives in our treehouse. My mom’s paintings make me think she’ll be okay someday. I love the sound of Dan Auerbach’s guitar; I hear it with  my heart. I can’t live without this window to the world that fits in my lap. I love the sound of my text chime. I love the offlines that simply say, “Thinking about you.” My Talia makes me smile and gives me hope. I heart the little purple pill that lets me drink coffee again. I love you Vicodin. I love driving with my sunroof open.

My heart is black and vodka pickled. I’m jaded, tired and bitter.

But I love, still. I love my family, my friends, my worlds- virtual and real.

I still have hope.

I still dream.

So I guess cancer can’t take everything, can it?

Fuck Cancer

I don’t do this very often, so hopefully you’ll forgive me this time. I’m about to rant. Please ensure you’re wearing protective gear.

I fucking hate cancer. And I know, yeah, duh. Who doesn’t. But really, I hate it more. I hate the disease, hate the way it tears through every single fucking part of your life, hate the way it stains every single thing. It’s insidious. It’s tenacious. And it’s cruel.

I hate the whole “bravely battling” bullshit. And I know, yeah, people do bravely battle. I see them every day in the cancer treatment center where  my sister gets radiation and chemo and every test known to man. But I can’t stand the glamorization of  cancer. There is nothing glamorous about losing all of your nose hairs from chemo and having nosebleeds that last for hours. Nothing glamorous about having excruciating diarrhea after abdominal radiation.  And slipping on the side of the bathtub while you’re puking, cracking your collarbone on the side of the tub and fracturing your clavicle isn’t very exciting either. Trust me.

Cancer sucks ass. And it doesn’t stop there.

My sister is brave.  But she’s not battling. She’s hanging on by the thinnest of threads, and she’s exhausted from it. You don’t battle cancer so much as cling to what little humanity it hasn’t sucked from you, and fight to keep that part of you clean of it. The meds fight it, the radiation fights it, but I don’t really see my sister fighting cancer.

She fights to keep food down. Fights to keep awake to help my niece with her homework. She fights to keep from screaming when the waistband of her panties rubs against the radiation blister. Fights to keep well enough to stay on the organ transplant list. So in her way, she battles.

I fucking hate cancer. And I hate what it’s doing to my family. Hate to see it literally eating away at my sister.

Selfishly, I hate what it’s doing to me, too. I’m not the one in constant pain, bald and blistered. So I feel a bit guilty complaining. But goddammit, I’m gonna complain. I’ve lost my privacy, my alone time, my sanity, my job, my bed, my savings, and a lot of days I feel like I’ve lost my life. I’m selling my house, moving my family and rearranging my entire life plan- all because of cancer.

We’re not bravely battling here. We’re fucking miserable, we’re pissed, and we’re exhausted. We’re not running around in pink shirts and being all inspirational and shit. We’re not having International Delite moments over hot tea. We’re not scrapbooking and trying on headscarves. We’re fighting with insurance companies, doctors and each other. We’re trying to get through the next minute at a time without killing each other. We’re moving three families from three houses into one, and none of us is happy about it.

There is nothing precious about cancer. It fucking sucks.

And I’m fucking tired.

My daughters were big babies. I was hippy dippy enough to insist on natural childbirth, and my second daughter weighed 10 pounds 12 ounces when she was born. Halfway through a very long labor, I was exhausted and scared and all I wanted was just a few minutes to rest. I could go on, if I could just rest for a few minutes. I begged the nurses to just give me a few minutes to sleep, and then I’d finish.

That’s how I feel now. I just want some rest. A break. If I could just get a few days to rest, I could go on. But just like labor, cancer doesn’t stop. Doesn’t give you time to get your breath or recharge your batteries. Just like labor, I’ll  keep pushing, keep breathing, keep going. Because stopping isn’t an option now any more than it was then.

I’ve read caregiver’s blogs, boards and books. I’ve looked into home healthcare (she doesn’t qualify) and I’ve talked to my therapist. I know all the suggestions (take a break, get some time for yourself, take a bath, read a book, a weekend, a movie, blah blah fucking blah). “Take care of yourself first, or you won’t be able to take care of anyone.” I get it.

But how do you take a break from your entire life?

My niece is the bravest among us. I am 100% certain that she is the only thing that keeps my sister from just stopping. She keeps me from going postal, keeps my daughters from running away screaming. She plays her goddamn trombone, studies her science, and reminds me at 9 p.m. that she’s supposed to take 2 dozen cupcakes to school tomorrow. And she smiles. She’s the one who starts every smile that happens in my home these days. She’s the brave one.

I’m just bitter.

Cancer can kiss my motherfucking ass.

Because it has sure as hell kicked it.

And I know, yeah, life is what you make it. I read Chicken Soup for the Cancer Ridden Soul in the waiting room. Positive thinking, and all that bullshit.

The only thing I’m positive about is that tonight I’ll be baking cupcakes for the band’s bake sale, helping my sister pull her pants up and not sleeping anywhere near enough.

And I’m positive I’ll get up and do it again tomorrow.

Fuck cancer.

/end rant

Perspective

Second Life is a great lesson in perspective. Moving your cam and zooming in and out of a scene can totally change your viewpoint, and the entire feeling you get from what you’re seeing. Life is like that too, if you stop and pull back from what you’re viewing.

I had an opportunity recently to gain a little perspective on some things in my virtual and real lives. By pulling back and getting a new look at the whole picture, I changed the way I saw my worlds and my place in them.

But there’s a delicate balance. Pull too far back and everything gets out of focus. Zoom in too close, and you lose sight of the big picture. Just like in Second Life, where if you zoom too far in, your camera gets all stuck up inside your own head and you can lose all perspective entirely.

I’m not trying to be obtuse.

Virtual worlds, blogs and social media sites make it easy to project a relationship that doesn’t really exist. Or rather, they make it easy to assume a relationship is deeper than it really is. When you have a blog and you talk about your life and your feelings, people often feel they know you- even if you don’t know them. Sharing on Twitter has a similar effect.

There are people who share every passing thought, breath and bite on social media. But does that mean I know them? Nope. I know about them. But it’s a small window and a little viewpoint, even when they’re oversharing- and wearing me out in the process. I’ve noticed those oversharing types tend to be very one-sided and myopic. They require a lot of energy to keep up with, but give back little in return. They enjoy their audience, but they rarely engage with them.

Sometimes it’s important to move your camera and change your perspective and get a clearer view of where you really stand in the frame. Especially in relation to others.

I’m looking for that balance, where the important people are in the frame, and the rest are there when I want to pan back to include them. My energy is limited and precious, and it’s better spent on those who return the favor. I’m gaining a little perspective, and that’s a good thing.

Backwards and in Heels

I’m not a fashion blogger. Sure, I’ve been whoring myself out over at The Unapologetic Second Life Fashion Blog as a guest blogger. My god, it takes so much time to put together a fashion post! And also, my fashion sense is hardly inspiring. Not to mention, many others have that beat well covered.

For a long while, it was difficult to find items in InWorldz (that’s not the case these days), and so I did blog my finds here, but even then, it was just quicky snapshots of things I thought were worth sharing or vanity shots when I was especially proud of my look. But, no, I’m not a fashion blogista.

One of my favorite designers in InWorldz is also in Second Life. Carrie Snowpaw a designer who makes dresses that move. My InWorldz inventory is heavy with Snowpaws Designs’ gorgeous pieces.

I stopped by Snowpaws in SL last week, and fell in love with a dress. I never go anywhere in SL worthy of such a piece, so I figure I’ll wear it here instead. It’s a work of art that deserves showing off.

But since I’m not really a fashion blogger, I hope you’ll please forgive my less than stellar shots and just appreciate the beauty of the dress.

These images are untouched, aside from cropping.

I may not go anywhere in Second Life that calls for such a dress, but the beauty of virtual worlds is that I can wear it anyway. I’m building a new room in our home, and I’ll wear this dress while installing a bathtub today. I can do anything a plumber can do, and in heels.

I’m wearing:

Dress: Watercolor from SnowPaws Designs

Hair: [e]

Skin: Curio

Shoes: Pixel Mode Baby T’s

The Heart of Art

I’ve visited art installations inworld before, in both InWorldz and Second Life. But my view was always limited by excruciatingly slow frame rates, a draw distance of 22 and low graphics. It’s hard to enjoy large scale art in this way, but I did, in my way. I would look at review pictures on blogs and flickr to see what I “should be” seeing, and appreciated the art of both the creator and the photographer.

For the first time last night, I immersed myself in an art sim on my new computer. I was so shocked I forgot to turn my graphics up, but even at medium settings, I was stunned by the project that’s up at Art Screamers. I snapped some pictures, but they don’t do the work justice. For some really spectacular shots of the sim, I recommend you check out Crap Mariner’s pics here.

Claudia222 Jewel’s exhibit is called Spirit. And it’s beautifully bizarre.

Be sure you pick up the avatar near the landing point. Being a part of the work makes it even more personal as you move through the exhibit.

I think every viewer comes away from a work of art with her own emotions and understanding of what the artist meant to convey. For me, the whole exhibit left me feeling very vulnerable.

It’s a massive work of art that would take hundreds of pictures to even barely give you an idea of the scope. Please stop by and see it for yourself at the Art Screamers Sim.

No matter what you feel when you see the work, I think you’ll agree that it comes from both the heart of the artist, and the viewer, together. I intend to go back more than once, to better appreciate Claudia222′s incredible works.

But for now I’m off to log into InWorldz and visit the Elf Clans Art Festival. Because I can! *happy dances*

I Got This

I’m not a shy person, but I’m a private one. I don’t like to air my laundry in public. I’m not one to gossip in local chat or post long, angry, pointed blog posts without pointing at anyone by name. I prefer to deal with issues directly and in private. And I prefer to walk away from dead horses. (After just a couple of kicks, just to make sure they’re good and dead.)

One lesson that I’ve learned in Second Life is that no one has your back. You must set your own boundaries, and protect yourself as best you can. I’m pretty good at that.

Seems to me that the best way to protect your back is to face things head on.

If you have questions or concerns about my integrity, my values, my words or my actions, I hope you will do us both the favor of coming to me with those questions.

Makes it easier to watch my back.

Slipping Into Fur

 Until I bought my first furry avatar, I had never given much thought to how they were put together. Now that I’ve spent some time wearing them, modding them and looking more closely at their construction, I think it’s safe to say that furry creators are some of the most clever and creative people in virtual worlds. That’s not an exaggeration.

A furry maker has to create prim body parts, alpha layers, skins, tails, ears and shapes. Most furry avatars come with male and female versions, so they’re doing all of this times two for every release. And let me tell you, furries are picky. They won’t buy crappy avis.

There are a huge range of furries out there, from tiny realistic animals to anthropomorphic versions like I wear. There’s also some pretty fantastic mesh furries available. The first time I dropped a furry folder onto my avi, I have to admit I freaked out a little. The head of my furry avi is made of prims, and the shape, before those prims rezz, is pretty scary. The head is shrunken and misshapen to accommodate the prim head parts.

The avatar I’m wearing here is currently hugely popular, which puts me in the front seat of the bandwagon. It’s the chinchilla from Curious Inc. The creator is Uchi Desmoulins. But most furries running around in this avi have modded it, replacing ears and tail, or more. Furries are masters of modding- they have to be; there are very few clothes that fit furry shapes without modding, and no hairs that do. But I like my chinchilla, and only made a few mods.

My favorite mod, though, I didn’t do myself. A friend added my freckles for me. There’s no way I would be “me” without my freckles. While she used photoshop to add the freckles to the prim textures, I can easily add a tattoo layer of freckles for the body.

In this picture I’m also wearing Chinchilla Blush, which you can find here, and it comes with a kissy script. Next time you see me in Chinchilla form inworld, be sure to click my nose to kiss it!

The chinchilla avatar comes with a HUD for changing my eyes, opening and closing my mouth, and even changing my eye color and iris size. I hate that my photo cuts the HUD in half (I forget how to prevent this and can’t be assed to go back and figure it out now) but you get the general idea from this shot. The jaw is a separate, hinged piece that moves when I talk inworld. It’s incredibly well made and fun to watch.

Putting hair on a furry avatar is a challenge. I’m not even going to tell you how long it took me to mod this hair to fit (but it was 2 full hours). If you decide to try a furry avi yourself and want to add hair, you’ll find that the round, wide shape of the head lends itself to certain hair styles, while others can’t be fitted, no matter how long you spend modding it. Look for curls rather than straight, I’ve found, and hair styles with a “wider” profile are easier to size to fit.

Bangs are hard to fit, due to the generally larger eyes on a furry, so look for sideswept bangs instead of straight down. But I’ve found that the hairs that work best on the furry avatars I’ve bought have all had hair pulled back or to the side, with no bangs to hang into the prim eyes in that scary way you see. (That always makes me shudder.)

After you get the hair to even fit the head, you’ll have to get brave enough to use “edit linked parts” to further mod the hair piece by piece. I posted a tutorial on doing this a couple of years ago, you can find it here. It’s based on working in InWorldz, but will certainly work for any world.

 
 

One thing to note about furry avatars is that often their feet are made of prims, and the regular “human” shaped feet are hidden by alpha prims. Here’s my feet without the alpha.

You can see the prim feet and how they attach to my legs. (It looks like I’ve got a furry hidden under my skirt!)

Here’s after I wear the alpha prim.

 
 
The frustrating part about these feet is that I can’t wear pants over them. I can wear shorts, but you’ll usually see my chinchilla avi wearing dresses for this reason. My human avi is normally found in jeans.

I have to admit, it took a while for these chinchilla feet to grow on me. They weren’t my favorite thing when I first rezzed them, but over time I’ve grown to kinda like them. Many furries leave their feet human shaped and wear regular shoes. One of the great things about being a furry is that pretty much anything goes, no one’s gonna knock you for your choice of feet, hair or clothes. Furries are one of the more accepting groups in SL, I’ve found.

Dressing a furry can at times be frustrating. Now that I have a computer that can handle better viewers, dressing my furry is far easier. You need a V2 or V3 viewer, so that you can “add” more than one layer or attachment to the same spot. My skirt and my tail both attach to my spine, and reworking either is frustrating at best. Using an advanced viewer allows me to “add” one instead of wear it, and they both fit fine.

Wearing mesh clothing can be a challenge for a furry, mainly because a furry shape tends to be far different from a human shape, and you can’t mod the mesh to fit. Also, mesh generally comes with an alpha layer, and if you’re already wearing an alpha for your avatar, you’ll again need to be able to “add” the layer to wear more than one alpha at a time. I’ve only bought one mesh dress for my furry so far, and only because it came with a demo so I could try it on first.

I still tend to spend more time in my human avi, but being furry is a great change and I’m still amazed by how different I feel when I slip on my chinchilla or bunny avi. It’s easier to goof off and have fun as a furry, not to mention furries tend to be inherently kinky, which works for me too.

If you’ve never tried a furry avi, why the hell not? They’re not too pricey, they’re fun and they can make you creative in a way that a human avatar doesn’t. Maybe it’s the amount of work that goes into fitting stuff onto a furry avi, but I feel like a more artistic version of myself when I’ve put my furry avi together.
 

I’m wearing:

Chinchilla avatar from Curious Inc.
(pretty heavily modded in shape, head and size of ears & tail)

Hair from [e]

Outfit from The Sea Hole

Pearls from Dark Mouse